Kazoku mitai...

27th August 2006

After work, Ping's father came to pick me up. Was so tired after 12 hours of work, all I wanted is someone to welcome me home... And uncle did...with that kind of warm smile that I can only find in my family.

As he was driving me home, as we were talking, suddenly (I wonder how actually) he asked did Ping ever tell me about why he wanna pursue his study to US.

*Yes, he said it's your dream*
*That's not the full answer...*
*.......*
*Has Ping ever mention to you my medical condition?*
*Ya...*
*Actually I had my artery 50% blocked....If I don't take care of myself,I will end up like my father.He was paralysed and my mother has to take care of him for 15 years. It's a emotional journey. If I had a stroke and I will be a burden to my wife and Ping. The only way to save my life is keep on working. I can't stop. That's the reason I choose to study at this point of time. If I stay in S'pore, the most I can work is for another few years. I rather keep on moving until I get heart attack and die right away...*
I am speechless...total speechless. I never thought uncle has thought so much. And what he thinks is all for the best benefit of everyone.
*people might said that : you are so selfish! But they don't know the actual reason why I am doing this. So, I just keep quiet and grip on...*
*Have you told Ping about this before?*
*I did talk to him about it. But maybe he didn't think I am serious...or he thought that I was joking.*
I am sure Ping doesn't think that way. I am sure Ping know what you meant. I am sure...I didn't say out...
*As far as I know, Ping has been very supportive to you.*
*I know they are very supportive. But maybe they haven't feel it yet. That's why I would like to ask you for a favour,you and Ping to spend more time with my wife when I am away.*
* I know. Me and Ping was talking about it too...*
* In fact I actually propose to Ping for you to stay at my place, the other room. It's good for you too, since our place is nearer to SIM where you studying.*
*Yupe, I understand. In term of location, it's true. But I got many more to consider, like my housemate. And actually my mother doesn't agree with me staying at your place either coz she felt that is not right...*
*coz you and Ping are not marry yet.*
* Sort of...but I guess I will stay over at your place more often now, for example after my class...Bishan Chalet...*

Uncle smiled.

Such conversation show something. Uncle does treat me like a family. The fact that he felt Ping is really serious about our relationship put him to open up to me. I am gladful, that he is willing to share....

I am must be a genius!

11th August 2006

Once in a while you just need to be a little "thick skin", a little bit " over-confident"...hehehe...That's how I felt after attempting this "Vegetarian Cha Bee Hoon"!!! I must say there is some "talent" in me...hahaha! Gam-Ba-de-Ne!

The Time Traveller's Wife

07 August 2006

Was reading "The Time Traveller's Wife" on my way from KLIA to the city. Has been telling people this is a good book but don't seem to be able to describe it. It's about this guy who has the ability to travel to the past and future. In another word, he is a time traveller. However he can't choose when or where to travel to. He has total no control in this ability and whenever he time-travel, he can't bring anything with him. This is a very odd situation and most of the time cause him in danger eventually caused his death. Sad story...Not a smart choice to read in public especially you can't held your tears....

iT's NoT tHe diStAncE iSSuE....

02 August 2006

Ok..time for confession. About what I said about yesterday, about doing a little experiment on Ping. What I have decided to do is, not messaging Ping and see how long it takes for him to remember of me and text me. I sort of realiase that he doesn't initiate messaging me. Most of the time he "REPLY" my message. So I really wonder how long would it take for my dear to "remember" me? Hahah...what a funny way to say it. Result: I gave up! Just a few hour after I wrote the post. He message me and ask me if I take any bird nest and he bought something for my mum. Well, perhaps who is "remember" was my mum.hahah...Anyway, he is such a sweet guy... And all I can say is that distance might not be the big issue here. The biggest issue is the fact that I couldn't see him, hear him and hold him....that's hurt.

I never know that I could be so "cheesy"? Well, regarding myself a total independent woman. I can eat by myself in the public, go shopping myself, do almost everything by myself. Yet, the feeling of not having Ping by myself just isn't what I like to feel.

There's this chinese song by Jiang Mei Qi ( a taiwanese singer). It's call " Dear, why aren't you here with me?".

Dear, why aren't you here with me?

How much time do we have that we could waste?

No matter how sweet is the calling

How comforting is the faxing

It's just can't compare having you by my side

I guess it's just part of life. You need to get use to being apart from your love one...Learning that being alone doesn't mean that no one is there...

DoEs DiStAnCe MaKes LoVe FoNder?

1st Aug 2006

I felt like I am away for so long... In fact it has only been 3 days. Ha! Some how I think Ping is adapting better than I am, despite he is the one who keep saying 19 days is unbearable. I guess I am the one who is going nuts.

Long distance relationship never work for me. And although I and Ping is not like we are staying apart or something. But I guess it's also consider some sort of "long distance" relationship. It just won't do it for me!!!

Is either he have so much "faith" on me. Or he is just simply thinks that everything goes his way. Sometime I wish I have his "believe"...So, I shall do a little experience here...on Ping, see what's the outcome. Till then....=P

aNoNyMoUs...

28th July 2006

Suddenly my post seem to be notice by someone...someone anonymous that leave a comment at my recent posts. It's kinda funny...perhaps it's my respone to her/his first comment :

"Thanks...leaving such a comment at my moodiest post has indeed lighten up my day!"

So, almost each and my recent posts has similar comment that compliment my blogs and ask me to keep it up! Ha!

It seem unreal, as I sometime wonder does these people exist. Maybe I always have this feeling that I am writing to myself. That no one actually know about this blogs...But it always felt good that someone admire what you write...what you think...

Ping is not here again. This time we won't be around each other for 19 days. It's getting unbearable that we are not seeing each other. As there are cases where our friends breaking up, we seem to hold on to each other tighter. When Ping told me about Luke, I can feel he was as if telling me how appreciative is he towards me... =)

Have you ever had this guy, where you are so "yourself" with him. And you could imagine growing old with him. Ping is such guy...even before we were togather, I thought...He is the one...It sometimes scare me a little that I have such thoughts because I always thought " life is unpredictable..."

It really does scare me...

2nd Culinary Day

26th July 2006

I am sitting in front of my laptop, waiting for my dear to come. This is a unplanned culinary day.Hehe...I just can't wait to see his delighted face.

So what did I have for my dear this time?

STARTER

JIUN'S STYLE

DOESN'T REALLY SEEM LIKE DEEP FRIED TOFU

(WITH PING'S FAVOURITE THAI SWEET CHILI =p)

SOUP OF THE DAY

SIMPLY JIUN'S ABC SOUP

MAIN COURSE

A LITTLE BURNED AGAIN SWEET STIR FRIED PORK

"SIMPLY" STIR FRIED CABBAGE

DESSERT

JIUN'S SPECIALLY PICKED ORANGES

(IT GOTTO BE SWEET)

DRINK

HEALTHY H2O

It's not something I have planned long ago so I didn't cook as much as the first time I did. In fact all the recipe except the soup was decide when I was doing marketing for the ingredients. Haha...I kinda admire my creativity. Or was it my "simplicity"? =P

Anyway, still waiting for my dear...been an hour now...what's taking him so long? Sigh....

aGaiN...

19th July 2006

Have you ever have that kind of feeling when unhappy things happen again and again. When you actually determine not to let it repeat its history. But your desire had betrayed you that you did it again? It happen to me...

I guess it's part of my fault. Knowing that the whole thing will make me unhappy eventually. Still, I let myself do it. I should have leave it to him at the first place. If he wants it bad enough, he would have ask for Roger's number. But instead I am the one who ask Roger. How stupid I am? Idiot!!!!!

Not the first time, and I am determine to not to let it happen. Yet I repeat the mistake myself. Why did he hint it to me that he could spend that 3 days with me. Then later when I told him I have asked Roger, he actually think twice? I hate being to compare...but I felt I am not that important after all...And he thought I was unhappy because of fearing what Roger thinks. Why would I care how people think ? If I do, what is the reason I put myself into a condition when everyone thinks :" this girl is so DESPERATE to spend time with her bf!",again and again? First time he let me feel that I am stupid, 2nd time it's dumb and I am tired, then now I am a total fool!!!

What so good bout this guy that I have lower myself till I nearly lost myself? Why did I did it again when I was hurt, felt stupid, and cried. Perhaps God has His plan. That He didn't allow the cof to work, that I will be away at least a day to be with myself, think these all over... moaning for my stupidity...

Emotionally Detox

07 July 06

I realiase I've been easily moved these days. I wonder why. For the past 3 days, I've cried twice. First time was because of the hong kong drama series...silly. Second time was because of the Oprah Show I watched. Well...I always regard myself as someone not easily cry. Crying sort of meant defeated to me. Ever since that time I cried so badly in front of Ping, I just get teary easily these days. So, the new defination of crying is " DETOX". I think it's sort of emotionally detox. Sometimes your emotionally bear too much that you need someway to release the pain in you. Anyway, it felt good after that.=)

Missing my dear very much...though I have a very busy schedule these 3 days and have accomplished alot, yet it just felt something missing. Can't help but think it would be much better if he is around. Somehow I wonder, why am still so in love with him? haha...silly...but I really am thinking about tat...When I try to fine a reason, I can only jump to the conclusion: Because it's Ping. =)

JoGGing fEveR....

01 July 2006
Woke up in the morning, have this muscle pain all over...haha...I knew I shouldn't have gone jogging in consecutive 2 days. Anyway, it felt great!!! I consider myself not bad as I am not a regular runner and always thought I do not have much stamina. Then again, maybe the occasional aikido session do help as I was surprise I could jog without stopping.

The first day, for a start I do not want to over tired myself so I started up with a quick walking around the field. It's not a very big field though...Then I start running. At first I thought of just doing one or two round as a starting. Then I realiase I could finish that two round without stopping and feeling uneasy. So, I continue running. In the end I jog 5 round around the field in total. GREAT!!!

2nd day, figure that my body doesn't feel any pain so I decided to go for a jog. This time I also did a 5 round jog with 2 round of quick walking.One at the start to warm up and one at the end as a cool down. I realiase I sweat more easily than the first day which is good!!!

Haha....at least I get myself started so hopefully I can continue. Who knows? Maybe like what Ping said, I could drop till 45kg...haha...crazy!

Experiment 01

29th June 2006

Just a few hour after blogging my 1st blog of the day. I felt better. Ha! Women! Anyway, perhaps is the cold shower that helps. Or maybe my problem is that no one could share with me. After talking to my mum, I instantly felt better. Well...though my mum could only understand 30% of how I felt.Anyway,it's good!

So I am back to 70% of the cheerful self. Another 30%,perhaps after eating my mum's dumpling:) Well, maybe this is one good point of me. I could recover from the upset emotion quite fast.

After crapping so much, I havent touch on what I wanted to say actually. Well, is some funny idea tha occur to me that day after hearing someone's conversation. Ok...is "over-heard somebody's conversation".

What happen is that I was in the Q of the fruit stall in the canteen when this girl in front of me share her idea of saving with her friend. She said she never use her SGD 2 note and will always keep it when she have. So, unconciously she have save up till SGD 15,000 now. Of course the time frame is something to be concern here. If she use 10 years to do so, it's not really something to be surprise of. So, i decided to do a experiment myself. See how long it takes me to save that SGD 15,000 effortlessly. Keyword here is "effortlessly". This is because I always felt if could have a habit of saving money, that doesn't make you felt it's a chore of something, the money won't hurt you a bit. But if you force yourself to save when you already have so many commitment, it's gonna be very difficult. So, I start to keep my SGD 2 note now,and we shall see...

HoMe SwEEt HoMe...

29th June 2006

Back in KL. Is good to see my family after so long.On my way home, I was still puzzled by my own emotion and feelings. What exactly that I am not happy about? It all started since Monday.
After class, I went to meet Ping in town. Perhaps both of us are tired, and shouldn't have come out. So, it wasn't really a good hang out time. Reason that we wanted to meet up is because we won't be seeing each other for the next 7 days.
Then Tuesday, during lunch break, I called Ping and he was on his way to work. I could felt he wasnt in the mood of talking partly because he is in a bus with faulty air-con...Well, so we hang up quickly. That day after class, I suppose to go for my facial appointment. I went and because I wasnt feeling very happy, I went to Kinokuniya and got a few books for myself. Hopefuly it would cheer me up. I also called Sherly out as I don't feel like going home though I am actually quite tired.
So, I have dinner with Sherly and after which I join she and her friend in pub near city hall called "waiting bar". We were there till midnight, nothing much, chit-chat,catching up with the lost time. Then I felt better...or I think I felt better...Sherly share with me about her r/s and I knew I couldn't be worse. Yet it's not to be compare, after all we are dating different guys and we have different needs.
I got message from Derrick, happily telling me he won't be away. He've decided to find a job in S'pore. So, he could celebrate my birthday with me. Then it occur to me that Ping won't be around for my birthday. It's not really a big day for me as I never celebrated birthday. But today, I wish the one who say that to me is Ping...I knew Derrick have something for me, though many time I told him I can't return his kindness. But he just don't care. And he just beg me to allow him to treat me nicely. I can't say I am not touched by these...After all, I am thankful that I met these nice people...Just that there's nothing much I could do. I told myself, if this guy is so kind to you, be kind to him too.
Anyway, by the time I am home, it's almost 2am. I showered and packed coz I am going home the next day morning.And to my surprise, Ping message me. I could have call him but I didn't instead I told him that I am going to sleep. The truth is I never sleep till around 4am. Maybe I just don't feel like talking right now. Jess ask if I decided to cof. But I told her, I need to consider. Maybe it's not a good idea of spending too much time togather. Maybe is time to let each other have a breathing space...

aWakE....

28th June 2006

It's 2.11am now and I am still up packing my things. Going back to KL tomorrow...Can't wait...

tWo YeArS aNNiVerSaRy!

19th June 2006

It's girl's nightout! After don't know how long, 8 of us finally came out all togather! We meet up at hard rock for dinner. Somehow we attract alot of attention from the others. Of course, how often you get 8 pretty girls hanging out togather? haha...So when the waitress out of curiosity came and ask if this is a special night for us, we told them it's somebody's birthday, and 3 of us(Annie, Jennifer and Michiko) got set up to be the birthday girls.hahaha....Great! So in the end of the dinner, the VJ was announcing it through the PA while everyone is watching football... Luckily we didn't get scolded by others yet we enjoyed a "high + out of pitch" birthday song from everyone. Of course not to forget the 3 free ice cream sundae we got!!!YUMMY!!!

After the dinner is not the end yet. We went on for 2nd round and have a drink at the loof. It's a cozy hangout place on the roof top of a building opposite the chimes. Not noisy and with the breeze of the night, it's a nice place to talk...The night goes on till past mid-night and for the first time, Annie is the one who claimed that she is tired. (it's normally me!!!haha!!!)

Great night! Cheers for our two years anniversary!!!

LeT mE cRy!!!

13th-15th June 2006

Spending total 8 days with my dear is a total bonus for me. We are consider as long distance relationship in a way...haha...Both of us are always apart yet felt so near. Time for us has a total different defination. For us, months passes like weeks, days is just hours...That's why although it has been almost 9 months now,I still feel very much like yesterday. I wish, our honeymoon period is forever.
Something happen in this trip. I was angry with Ping. Real angry,that I couldn't talk to him. He hurt himself, and despite worrying bout him, I still can't lay my sight on him. I am really angry. People around us was concern of his injury...and I just stand a side, pull my ear to listen, but wouldn't talk to him. I am worry, but in the same time I am angry. Or perhaps, I am sad. Not so much of anger? I thought: Why do you have to shout at me? Why can't you just say instead of shouting? Ping knew that I am angry,obviously...He tried to get responses from me. I refused to share a room with him but he insist. How could I stay in a room with you when I am so angry? Then when we were in the room, seeing how much pain he suffer of his injury, my heart soften. Silly Ping, clumsy Ping and my heart hurts.
Ping went out with me despite haven't been sleeping for the past 24 hours. I am tired too. But I think staying in the room doesnt serve us good. I need a breath. We hold hands and went out like nothing happen. Got our tax refund and dinner back. Then, after meal I went to sleep...I didn't knocked out. In fact I know Ping didn't stay awake for long unlike what he always do after a flight.
In the middle of the night, I woke up and couldn't put myself into sleep. Tired but I am still...feeling uneasy inside. I try to make myself occupied while Ping is sleeping. First time we slept seperately in the same room. Then when Ping finally woke up.He came over my bed, wanted to hug me. And I just couldn't hold my tear no more and started crying. I rarely cry infront of people. As I always try not to worry others, I don't easily cry in front of people. Only my 2nd brother knew that despite my cheerful and easy going attitude, I am actually a big crying baby. So tonight, I have a good cry... And I knew after this cry, I shall be alright. So, dear, let me cry...
Ping totally freak out. He don't know what to say but just hug me tight. And that's exactly what I need.

wHy?

9th June 2006

Finally got it done. After all the things I been through,at last... I think I shall not try this anymore...it will really drive me crazy if all these were to happen again. Imagine I could lose 2kg in 2 days. How stress out I am? Well, perhaps it's a good way to put off a few pound....

Today, I received messages from him. I never thought that he would message me again...After he told me not to message him that day assuming I am busy. I thought we can't even be friends. But I never know things had been happening lately...Why can't I sense that it is not him at all to be so "cold" to me.

He told me that the medicine he was taking previously doesn't work on him anymore. That he had to start dialysis now. In another word, his kidney failed. Life hasn't been easy for him as he gotto go for dialysis every alternate day and yet he have to go to school. And he is going for a transplant soon. Although it's consider as a good news, but knowing that there's a 40% of failure risks and his body had very high tendency to reject the transplanted kidney, I can't help but felt so heavy.

I can't stop myself from crying for him.Even Ping is in front of me. But I just can't help. Although we are no more in a relationship but we have never mistreat each other. Broke up is purely because of muture understanding that we can't go on. That's why deep in side my heart, he is still someone special. Someone who see me as who I am from the day he know me. The most ironic part is he is having his operation on 18th June,his birthday.Why is all these happening to him?

Then when Me and Ping went to his juniors graduation exhibition. We met his professor who reminds me very much about Fwuji... All the memories between me and him just keep flashing in my head. I just wish his operation will be successful.

From a different angles, is a whole new world

08th June 2005

Let's forget about the unhappy things,shall show off the things that my dear gave it to me. It's definately some sort of surprise.

First of all, I never expect he will do this to me. Maybe in my mind he have form the image of buying food and drystore for me oversea.HAHA...
So when he said he got something to gave me. It never occur to me that it's all these.


So, here I have a very nice diamond neclace and a very stylish ipod nano plus a cute tiny travelling speaker which I now bring to most of my flights. Perhaps could bring it to seoul frisco too...Well, life wouldn't be bad if you look things in different angles.At least I can go sight seeing in seoul, and also meeting my dear aft my flight. Not so bad!!!

Learn to let go...

08th June 2006

I have long learned that life is not going to smooth all the way. But I am always gladful that things that had happen to me,being bad or good, it makes me grow. Just like these two days, I have been so desperate nearly go crazy.

Faith said: in the end of the day you gotto ask yourself, is it worth it? And I think...despite being angry with his "bo-chap" attitude, I am actually quite willingly to do this. Worth it? I don't know. But if there's a choice when I can do it again, I will still go through all these troubles. He never will know how much I wanna spend time with him...I guess is time to readjust myself...some things have to be left behind...some things isn't as important as you think it is...

But I am gladful, that I have Jess with me. Someone that I could count on. Never will I feel weak in front of her, coz there's always some kind of moral support in between us.

I felt I am feeling of something...This always happen to me. I always feel something but can't really put in down to word. Is interesting as I see myself reacting towards things that happen to us. I am just afraid that history would repeat just like my previous relationship. But whatever it is, I am gladful right now...

oVeRcOme . pOSeiDoN . sUrViVing . fOuNd

27th May 2006

OVERCOME

Wake up as early as 0645 hrs despite having only slept for 4 hours. Feeling shitty just like yesterday. I need to talk. So I called home. Finally talking to my dad and get the whole thing clearly understand. I felt better after that. Though it make no changes to anything. But at least, I felt whole lots better. I guess I hate it when things lost control and I learned, if you do not want anything to lost its control, take control!!!

POSEIDON

Went for a movie with Derrick and his friend(forgot his name, i think is Gary) haha...Anyway, we watch the movie name Poseidon. At first I didn't have the mood to come out at all.But I guess when you are feeling down and you wanna turn it around. You can't just sit there and wait for something good to happen. So I decided to go out and who knows? something nice might happen.

The movie is quite nice. Turn out to be quite a breath taking and tight with story line's movie. However, something was missing...but I just don't know what is it.

SURVIVING

It has been a whole day now and I am still surviving. In fact with the help of Derrick, I got something for myself. Then I decide, if ever any unhappy incident occur, I will buy myself a gift. I also buy Ping a gift, as I felt strongly to give him one. Though none of our birthday is near but I guess giving never need a reason. I guess this little trick do worked. I am feeling happy now.

FOUND

I am back to my old self. The girl who go so emotional and angry have gone and I am back to my old self. I am just so glad that Ping stays with me that night where things happend and I felt so lost. I know he is tired but the fact that he stay gave me strength to be strong.

eVeRyThiNg gOiNg tO bE FiNe....i WiSh...

I try to convinced myself that everything is going to be fine.

Yet deep inside I just so afraid that things don't turn out well.

I am so dissapointed with people around me.

Yet it's not them I should blame.

I feel like crying...

wanting someone to hold me tight...

feel like shouting...

hoping someone to shout with me...

feel like sleeping...

coz i am tired both physical and mentally...
I don't think anyone understand what I am talking about...
I think I am not myself at all tonight...
Hope tomorrow it's a brand new day...
I just wish....